hey, all!

happy january.  to be honest, january is one of my least favorite months.  maybe even my least favorite.  but this month has been so good, actually!  and i think i can attribute that to a few things.  i wrote more about that below, but first, a few fun photos!

^^ fran stood up in a wedding on the 4th in river falls and looked SO handsome.  i enjoyed that wedding a lot because some of francis' old cru staff coworkers were there.  i got to sit by them and i really like them.  p.s. thanks for unknowingly letting me borrow your dress, paiger! ;)
​in other news, francis made me pancakes one night for dinner and i asked for a heart :) thought it was cute. ^^

^^ francis and i hosted my mom, dad, sisters & bro, and aunt wendy for dinner one evening and thought this lil board we put together was pretty.  hosting is my favorite thing!  peep the "f" coasters MADE by paige & dave, gifted to us for christmas!

^^ this past weekend i had the great honor of celebrating miss amy fredman, soon to be mrs. amy fredman-staley!  the drive getting to the shower was a little dicey, but i was so happy to be there to cheer on one of my all-time favorite women.  (she's the glowing one in white with the huge smile in the back!) also, we ate breakfast food and where there's breakfast food and some friends, i'm happy.

***
​​january.  
i think the month's felt so good because on the first of the month, i decided to take a break from instagram.  that might be the biggest reason it's been so good.  what an amazing difference that's made on me, oh wow.  i'm like shocked at how good that's been for me.  as fun as the gram is, i would compare myself constantly and evaluate how good my relationships are with others and how other people are doing in relation to me.  honestly, it was a winter-mental-health move to say goodbye for a minute.  what a wonder.

i've also been exercising regularly which has made me feel so happy.  it's such a good thing to move our bodies, and i forgot about that.  i really missed it.  i've seen a few friends this month, had meaningful family time, and i've been reading my Bible again.  i took a big break from reading my Bible (i'm not totally sure why.  there was a while there where i couldn't do it).  but i'm back and it's been refreshing and beautiful.  i think it's helped that i've started with one chapter every day.  that way, i can really soak in it and re-read things and don't feel like i'm rushing through it.  i don't know, it's working for me.  i am looking forward to continuing all of these practices, looking different each month i'm sure, throughout the rest of the year. 

oh! i started using the audible app in december.  anybody else use audible?  it's been so fun!  i actually drive pretty often for my job, so it's nice to have books to listen to, usually read by the author which is fun!  i've already listened to talking as fast as i can by lauren graham, homework: a julie andrews autobiography, is everyone hanging out without me? by mindy kaling, the magnolia story by chip and joanna gaines, and am currently listening to a princess diana biography, because i love the royal family, ha.  i'm super excited to listen to all sorts of books!
on another, much sadder note, something hard this month was one of my classmates from the really small high school i went to, passed away right at the beginning of the year.  it really shook me up.  it was all of a sudden and out of nowhere, and some dear friends of mine are really hurting.  the funeral was both incredibly beautiful and heartbreaking, as funerals often are.  but this guy filled up a thousand-person church sanctuary.  he was an incredible man and he loved Jesus with his whole heart.  he had a big impact on people.  one of those funny, outgoing, big-hearted guys.  he had an amazing singing voice and i can still hear it in my head.  the suddenness of his death really got to me.  no one is untouchable from death and are we all living with others on our minds and with Jesus as the most beautiful thing we know?  
​
how is your january going?  what's been good?  what's been hard?  if you're reading this, please reach out to me!  i want to host you!  even if it's for a cup of coffee, because i got a milk frother for christmas :) and i have lots of cozy blankets.  we could sit on my couch and chat!  or fran & i can take you to my favorite restaurant in the cities because i got lots of gift cards there for christmas, too (my family's really good to me).

thanks for reading along!

​hey, i brought comments back to the blog!  leave me one, eh?! (:

happy, happy new year!
2020!!!  what?! 
i'm so ready for it.  this past decade was my favorite decade of my life so far for sure.  at this time ten years ago, i was a little sixteen-year-old bub.  look all that's happened!  so much incredible beauty.  so much growth.  so many of my very dearest friends showed up.  my husband, even!  i can't wait to see what the new year and new DECADE (!!!) bring.

2019 was the year i became a wife.  that's my thing for this year.  it's so different from any other year for me.  brand new territory!  in this year, we both shifted jobs, churches, cities, and directions.  we've learned and are learning how to live together, how to love each other at our absolute worst, how to have friends in this new season.  i've gotten to, for real, make a home and that's been the most life-giving, satisfying thing.  i've had mild panics and deep wonderings about what following God even means and if i'm actually really doing it or going through the motions.  i traveled to arizona by myself, then hawaii with someone else ;)  i've had some of the best days of my entire life and also some of the worst days this year.  isn't that just like life?  and in the middle of all of it, there's Jesus.  isn't He there!!  incredible incredible Jesus.  so tender.  so steady in all things.  watching me and with me and holding me and teaching me and taking care of me.  hasn't He done that.  if He isn't the best thing i know.  the kindest.  i'm really hoping that this time next year and this time in 10 years brings more depth and even more sweetness between Him & me.  i hope that for you too, friend.  isn't He what we all need more of.

okay.  here's to our new decade!
i think the motto of my decade is going to be "live, laugh, love." jkkkkk, that was so ten years ago ;))))
​cheers!

my favorite tradition... 
(2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, & 2014)

little hi little low, little hey little ho!  (anyone seen stuart little?!)
ha.
anyways.
sitting in my old stomping grounds, eau cleezy, next to my fran, just passin time and waiting to hang with some really dear friends.  and here's what's on my mind today.

well, thanks for askin, i'm doing better than last time.  a bit.  there are still hard things in life, in my heart, and on my mind.  but today's been good.  it was nice to focus on my brother-in-law, dave, this morning, and get to celebrate his graduation with his fam & my sister.  and the anticipation of seeing friends i haven't seen in forever and a DAY feels really good too.  plus i love eau claire.  i have such a very special place in my heart for this city.  no matter how much it's changed every time i come back...

this week was hard for me.  hard for my fam.  remember how last time i said that our family dog, gracie, would probably die pretty soon?  it happened this week.  i'll always remember this past tuesday.  i had a meeting over by my parents' house that morning and decided to work from their house the rest of the day.  i had seen gracie on sunday and she had not been doing well, for a while.  my parents were told by the vet about a month ago that she had heart failure and that's why she would cough a lot (because her lungs were filled with fluid), but towards the end she was coughing and wheezing more than she wasn't, and we could tell it was taking it's toll on her.  if dogs could cry, she was crying.  her little face, still so sweet and gentle, told us she was so sad.  so i happened to work from my parents' house tuesday, and when i got there my parents were both working from home in the office and told me they were going to put gracie down that day.  i was the only one they told, because i was there.  mom was weepy all day.  as the hour came closer and then finally came, me, mom, and dad were sobbing.  oh man.  it probably sounds a little silly to you because she's a dog, but you don't know gracie.  she meant so much to all of us.  i had her in my life since i was twelve!  i'll never forget holding her, whispering goodbye and thanking her for such a sweet life with her, and handing her over to my heartbroken and devastated dad.  if you think of it, my mom and dad are especially sad still and maybe just ask Jesus for Him to hold them a little closer these days?  my sweet and wonderful fran comforted me so tenderly that night, allowing us to skip small group and snuggling me, bringing me snacks.

okay, something different to talk about.    
hmm.  oh, something i realized about the psalms, is that sometimes i have a hard time reading them and relating because often david or other psalmists say things like "search me and see if there is any fault in me, give me over to my enemies if i have not been faithful to You" (not exactly like that) but where they talk about how good they are and how blameless.  it's hard for me, because i want a psalm that says "God, i've been unfaithful to You and turned away from You again.  i'm so sorry.  because of Your goodness and beauty, rescue me from myself and make me close to You again."  i want a psalm like that.  i'm not writing off all of the psalms, just something i've noticed sometimes.  we're not all blameless okay, david?

we're gonna head out soon.  hey there are some beautiful things ahead.  press into the warmth and grace of Jesus, friend.

i'll be back soon.  thanks for reading.

hey there!

happy december to you & yours!  i have a very cozy apartment right now and it sure makes me happy to be home.  fran & i got our first christmas tree together yesterday and it's my favorite to have it all lit up.  it smells so good, brings me right back to my parents' house at christmastime growing up.  i also bought a strand of twinkle lights for one of our walls and a cheapo tiny tree with lights for our bedroom.  coziness makes me so happy.
why are you writing, alexi?  i thought you ditched this lil blog?  you must be thinking.
good question, i had for a while.  today i'm writing because i feel a bit sad.  have felt sad for a few months to be honest.  nothing to be concerned about, in general my life is very sweet.  the idea of writing out my thoughts on here made me think i'd feel like i am known, and i craved that today.  and it's really appealing to me that this blog has none of the hype i used to try to give it because only a few know about it or check it anymore so it feels safe to share some more vulnerable things today.  friendships have been a struggle at this point in my life.  i've started to believe lies about myself actually.  today i asked fran if i'm likeable.  if people like me.  we missed our church small group a few weeks ago because the week before at small group i cried when we left because i felt a little invisible and i just needed a break.   i've realized that i think i need to change my expectations for friendships at this stage in my life.  it's unrealistic for me to think that i'm going to be known by & close with lots and lots of people like college felt for me.  and three months ago, i left a job where i worked with people who felt like close friends to a job where no one really knows me and you can get away with going to your desk, doing your job, then going home without talking to anyone really.  i guess the transitions of a new marriage, new job, and new church are catching up with me.  and somehow even a friend who i used to be close with but haven't talked to in quite a while unfollowing me on instagram made me feel hurt.  like what?  why does something silly like that on instagram affect me?  why do i care so much?  (maybe i'm spending too much time there).  thinking about changing my social media habits with the new year (but to be honest, i love seeing the christmas pics around this time, so i'll stay on for the month i think ;))... see what i mean?  silly! 
if you're reading this, please don't feel like you need to take any responsibility for reaching out to me or something.  i just needed to write this all out for me.  i think i'm gonna keep writing, too.  i've missed this.  feels authentically me and that feels really good.  also, i think it's important to say that i have a part to play in reaching out to people, old and new friends, and i could be doing a whole lot better at that. 
okay, can i just say one other crappy thing?  our family dog, gracie, is gonna die soon.  she's not doing well.  and i know when anyone ever talks about their dog dying it's not really that big of a deal for anyone except the family members, and i know she's not an actual person, but it really is a big deal for us.  that dog is so special and my parents are going to be so heartbroken to not live with that lil furry nug.  i was twelve when we got her!  and she's the most tender-hearted and sweet little thing.  i really do love her.  we all do a lot.  so that sucks.

to not bum you out anymore, i'm going to end this with a list of really great things going on in my life right now:
-francis.  getting tears in my eyes thinking about him right now actually, ha, and he is currently across the room from me.  he is so good, you guys.  like sooo good, WOW.  and like no one even really knows the extent of how good he is.  he is the most precious thing.  his heart, oh man.  he's just... gosh.  the very best and i love him so deeply.
-Jesus.  lately i've been especially moved by His steadiness and dependability.  He is constant and true.  there's a lot, so much, in the world that is not true or good or right or kind, but He is all of those things.  ever-present, the most beautiful thing i know.
-christmastime!  i've always always loved this time of year.  it still makes me giddy like a little child.  it's so much fun and festive and cozy and worshipful, too.  we sang some christmas songs in church today and they are so worshipful, wow.
-my fam.  mom, dad, paige, sidney, and dave.  they are the best and i love how knowing i get to spend time with them actually makes me so excited.  they are fun to be around and they make me feel like i'm funny :) they also make me feel known, too, so i crave time with them even more these days.

thanks for letting me share these things.  it actually was really helpful to write them down.  next time i'll try not to be so bummy.  i truly hope your december is off to a wonderful start.

i'll write again soon.

love,
​lex. 

hey there, friends!
it's your homegurl, lex!
remember me?!  MAN, it has been SOME time.
i am currently sitting in starbucks on this beautiful day, sandwiched between dropping fran off for a baby shower (ha, isn't that great?!  a guys' baby shower to celebrate his friend, mitch!) and going to an exciting wedding with him at 3:00!  i had free time and i'm a little far from home to head back, so here i am!  sidenote: this nitro thing that is taking over coffee shops these days is something i can GET BEHIND, ha.  my friend aft told me yesterday that i'm waaay behind the times with this, but i don't even care.  my go-to order is nitro cold brew with sweet cream, PLEASE and thank you.  and boy, there's probably lots to catch you up on, but i most prefer random lil tidbits, so here's what's in my head today...

hm.  well, if you're wondering how my marriage is, because i actually really love when people ask me that, i will tell you I LOVE IT SO MUCH.  it's been the sweetest thing in my life!  OF COURSE it's not perfect, OF COURSE there are bumps and i know we're only 4 months in.  it's funny, i feel like i need to put a disclaimer on my happiness.. like qualify it by saying all these 'buts.'  right now, i'm cherishing it every day!  i hope i always cherish it.  seeing fran is my favorite part of the day when i get home, and we joke a lot and have a lot of fun together.  he is more endearing than i realized.. just so totally lovable.  i love it so much.  i love him so much.  i'm very happy these days.  i'll keep going on, so i might as well move to the next thing, ha...

what else?  oh, i started a new job!  it's going okay.  i'm so new and don't know that much yet and no one really knows me.  i don't know, it's a new job.  there are things i like, things i don't like.  and i'm gonna try my hardest every day.

our church community is great!  we're starting to feel known and starting to know people, but i do think that'll take more time.  being part of a community group really helps.  i signed up for a women's retreat in october and i think that'll be good for me.  a hard part of the season i'm currently in has been my female friendships feel far away and distant.  i know i play a big part in that, not reaching out to my sisters.  it leaves me feeling lonely often.  i used to have good friends at work also, and that's changed too.  this women's retreat was a little intimidating to sign up for, but i'm glad i did. 

our pastor is doing a lil series about the why behind certain rituals, like communion, why we exist as a church, etc., and today's message was the why behind our sunday morning gatherings.  i loved it.  so so necessary to think about and talk about, especially as all of us have questions- "can't i just do a podcast at home for church?  can't a small group at a coffee shop be church?- why do we have to meet on Sunday mornings?"  i loved thinking through this and hearing his insight.

i'm thinkin of you, ariel!  thanks for missing my blog.  made me feel so special when you reached out.  i miss you!

i've been cooking like 95% more than i ever did before getting married.  my go-to when i was living on my own?  tortilla chips with cheese melted on top and salsa.  mmm baby.  sometimes, i'd exert myself for a bag of steam-in-bag veggies.  ha.  i've really stepped up my game, and honestly, i'm surprising myself.  guys, i'm like pretty decent at cooking!  me & francis' favorite thing that i make is something i learned from my mom, and i'll share with you so you can make it and love it like we do.  ya ready?  BURGER BOWLS.  you heard it right.  cooked hamburger meat in a bowl (like how you'd cook it if you were makin spaghetti), shredded lettuce, chopped onions, chopped pickles, chopped tomatoes, shredded cheddar cheese, ketchup, mustard, mix it all up like a burrito bowl kinda, and ohhh baby you have the floods' favorite meal.  make it make it and tell us we're wrong!

my relationship with Jesus.  bein honest, it's been dry, guys.  i've been apathetic, unmotivated, and have let some questions about Him and the world creep in and negatively impact my prayer life and my desire to spend time with Him.  it makes me sad.  i love Him so much and want to be close to Him.  but i also see myself not really trying, and choosing others things to fill my time instead.  that's just where it's at.  He is still beautiful and merciful and kind and faithful even though i'm lame.

***photos all taken by the incredible sophie of mere | photo & design, and her incredible second shooter, emily.  couldn't have asked for anyone better!

hello, there, trusty reader who's hangin on by a thread.  ha, thank you for your faithfulness to my life & thoughts and just for carin about this humble little spot on the internet.  it's so kind of you to still be here.  had a scare last week that my friend, brian, pointed out it looked like the blog was erased (shoutout, brian!  you da bomb).  but dad & i figured it out and we're back in business and i always return... even if it's months between! :/ this blog is just too special and holds so many bits of my life, i'd be real sad to see it go.

anyway, i bought a disposable camera this fall because my friend, isaac redinger, is cooler than me and inspired me to get one.  though i kept forgetting to bring it more places, it was really exciting to see the end result.  honestly, the pictures aren't very good and i have a thing or two to learn about lighting, but it was so fun to see what they'd turn out to be and find pictures i didn't even remember taking.  definitely wanna bring a film camera on my honeymoon in may!  just somethin extra special about film.  anyway.. here's a few shots over the last few months.  had to throw away some cuz they just didn't turn out, and i couldn't post a couple because my actual wedding dress is in em :), but here's a handful...

^^ this was taken in october, the day my sisters, mom, and i looked for my wedding dress.  i really like this picture actually. ^^

^^ here's me before trying on the actual dress!  such a fun day!

^^ i handed paige & sidney my camera that morning and they had to throw one of these in here, obvs. ^^

^^ mama drivin us home.

^^ my least favorite pic of the bunch because it's pretty boring, but these trees in the backyard were so beautiful that day with their sparkly leaves! 

^^ also in october, i think, my aunts and i went to a vineyard in minnesota and drank wine and had a cheese platter while listening to a trumpet player!  then we walked the grounds and i snapped this pic.

^ you can't tell, but this is my fran in denny's, one of our favorite date spots.

^^ a pic of us from my friends' spencer & jamie's wedding.

^ gold. hah.

paiger & davis.  you can just tell they're up to no good, can't ya? ;)

^ love this picture of francis.  we went to another wedding that same weekend and this was taken right outside the reception venue.

^ another picture of francis from when we parked it in caribou for a little while to do a couple creative things.

the end.  tune in for more later.. at some point... ha.  bye, friends!  i love you guys!

this was a year of incredible highs- lots of joy, beauty, and growth for me and for my family- and also some pretty low lows.  looking ahead filled with gratitude and lots of excitement for 2019. (the year i become a flood!!!  wahoooo!) :)))))
may our eyes be fixed on our beautiful Jesus as we look ahead.

happy new year!!!

(2017, 2016, 2015, and 2014)

i volunteer at my church on wednesdays as a leader of a group of high school girls and last week one of the youth pastors shared a beautiful story i knew i wanted to remember...
she (kathy) said when she was a teenager she went on a hiking trip with her best friend and her friend's very fit grandparents.  they were crossing a river on some rocks, taking big steps as they went from one rock to the next, putting long sticks into the water for balance.  kathy had already made it across along with her friend and her friend's grandpa.  her friend's grandma was the last one to cross.  she was about halfway across when she looked up, straight at her husband, with a look that said i don't know if i can do this.  in that very second, he dropped everything, all of his bags, and jumped into the water coming up to his chest, walked over to her and held his hand up to her so she could make it across.  and he hiked the rest of the day in wet clothes.
tears were brimming in my eyes as kathy looked intently at all of us saying that is what God is like.  no hesitation.  no question.  no "are you serious?  you can't do this?  ugh, fine, i'll be right there."  we look at Him with our fears and hesitations and He's there.  wading in the water for us, inconveniencing Himself, sacrificing Himself, taking our hand.
had to share it.

hey there, friends!
wow, i really ended that month with a bang, huh?  ha. promise i'll be writing more this month, but it won't be every day like november.  i'm always surprised and really touched by the people who say they read my blog.  really?  you care what i have to say on here, huh?  that's really cool.  thank you!
i'm super thankful for all the gifts november brought to light in my life by being in the habit of writing.  
but i don't have a list for you today.
today i just have something i've been thinkin for a while now.  

it's basically that i'm frustrated with myself. 
i see the person i want to be, the character traits i want to possess and how i am far from them.  the overarching goal of my life is to get to the end of it with gray hair and wrinkles, with a heart filled and overflowing with peace.  good and gentle and faithful.  so content.  so patient.  slow to become angry.  humble, generous.  quick to give what i have.  quick to give grace.  sound like anyone? (**cough**Jesus. i want to look like Jesus**)  gosh, i want that so much.  and every day i see another ugliness that comes up in me.. another way i'm not like that. 
these traits i desire are the result of a lifetime of God and i working hard on every inclination of my heart that is self-seeking, impatient, quick to become frustrated, easily offended, prideful.  but man, from here to there feels far.  i'd like to dedicate all i have to it, though.  my whole life, even.  this work is absolutely God's work and only truly possible through Him.  we cannot change without Him.  but i believe we are participants in it and He won't just make us that way without our partnership.  i don't believe you just fall into those traits on accident, like poof, one day you're really patient and forgiving.  it's not the natural flow of the world to become that way.  i actually believe it's more of an army-crawl-through-the-jungle kind of process.  what Jesus calls "the narrow path" (matthew 7:13).
​
i've been thinking about that a lot lately, the narrow path.  man, it's like Jesus knew what it would be like to be twenty-five and living in 2018 america.  talk about the narrow path.  at least for me, in my corner of the world and in my personal experience, these messages are in bold, caps, and underlined: EAT WHAT YOU WANT, DO WHAT YOU WANT, BUY WHAT YOU WANT, HAVE SEX WITH WHO YOU WANT AND HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT, LIVE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND- IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE WEIRD, HATE TRUMP, IF YOU'RE NOT POLITICALLY LIBERAL YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE ESPECIALLY WOMEN AND YOU LOVE GUNS, THINGS SHOULD BE FASTER FASTER FASTER, HAPPINESS IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

now please hear me.. i am not making this political.  i did not say my stance on anything.  i don't want that to be the thing you hear.  and i'm not saying there aren't good narratives in the mix, too.  i am simply stating the narratives of the world that are hard to navigate as a Jesus-follower as i see them from my corner.  is there anyone out there who is trying to navigate these, too, and feels like a little fish swimming against a massive current?  just me?
well, as one of those such fish to maybe another, just trying to figure out where Jesus is in the midst of all the screaming.. i will say, i think the call of Jesus has always been to die.  dying to ourselves means we can't do whatever we want, when we want.  it looks a lot of different ways and it's hard work.  but we have each other, and Jesus walking with us, holding our hands, quietly leading the way.  i've actually been repeating these things to myself a lot lately.  almost daily.
"Jesus said the road would be narrow."
"i can't just do whatever i want, alexi.  i am dead, i was bought with a price, and i don't just belong to myself anymore.  the old me is gone.  God's making me new now."
"God knows the way of true life.  He designed life, He knows the best way to live.  i can trust Him."  
"He knows how to really live."

keep swimming, friend.  it's worth it.  navigating life through a lens of Christ, and following Him even when it's a hard swim and the current is pushing against you, is worth it.
​keep swimming.