my birthday was special and different.  francis cooked a lovely breakfast and we had my family over in the morning. **i'm a little hesitant to say that here because lots of folks are not seeing anybody.  for my family and i, we made the decision that seeing just each other is okay with us because we are all remaining at home the rest of the time and not really going out.  i totally have respect for the seriousness of the pandemic and for all the safety measures that we all need to take.**  my fam came over and gifted me with lovely cards and thoughtful presents, and francis put candles in cinnamon rolls for me to blow out. :)  we took a walk around our neighborhood with paige & dave, and then francis and i walked to minneapolis!  there is a wonderful walk/bike path right next to our apartment that you can take straight to minneapolis, about 6 miles.  francis had booked us a hotel in minneapolis that was still open for when we got there because i LOVE hotels! (we brought backpacks with our stuff).  in the words of kevin malone, our dogs were barkin by the time we got there, ha (i definitely wore the wrong shoes).  we got take-out from my favorite restaurant which was conveniently a short walk from the hotel :), and ate it while watching the parent trap on TV (isn't that fun about hotels, just watching stuff on TV?).  it was such a fun birthday, even if i couldn't have a gathering with friends.  francis and my family made it so special and many dear friends of mine also made me feel loved.  plus!  the next morning when we walked back home, starting in the quietness of the city, we stopped at caribou for my free birthday drink and my dear friend ariel (shout out!) had also gifted me with a little coffee drink money, so francis got somethin too.  it was all really fun and i'm so grateful.

other thoughts...

well, i found out that my job will continue to be remote until august, so that's somethin.  in august we were planning to move to a new building anyway, so they are just having us continue to work from home until then, and some of us might even work from home after that.  i actually really enjoy working from home and it works well with me.  but i know some of my coworkers who also have kiddos at home are struggling with balancing everything, which would be super tough.

a quarantine birthday, while a bummer, is also a gift because it's easy to feel isolated right now, and having that boost of love and encouragement really felt good.  i don't know, man, some days i'm doing really well and other days i can't fall asleep because i'm so sad and i convince myself that i don't have friends.  anybody else experience that?  one of the happy things that has come out of this pandemic is i've seen a lot of people express grace over social media.  people will say things like "however you're feeling is okay" and "you don't have to be super productive every day, just do what you can" and "you can't hold yourself to the same standards as the way things used to be."  it's just nice.

one of the things my mom got be for my birthday is the most lovely lilac body wash from bath & body works, and i know it's a little thing, but it smells so good.

francis and i have now been married for a year!  wowza!  it feels really good to have a year under our belts.  and what a sweet sweet, growing, year it has been.  lots i could say, but i'll maybe save it because this post is getting long.  spent too much time talkin about my dang birthday, ha.

speaking of marriage, something i've noticed in my heart and something a friend i talked to is also experiencing, is this idea of a "life timeline."  anyone know what i mean?  it feels like pressure from ourselves and the culture around us to get married at a certain age, buy a house at a certain age, have a kid by a certain time, etc.  i have a feeling my friend and i are not alone in this.  most of the time, none of our lives ever end up the way we thought they would and hardly ever within the timeline we imagined, so why is it so hard to let go of the timelines and stop comparing our lives with each other?  i think this is good stuff to think about because it causes us to look at the root of what we really, truly, want out of our lives.  gosh, i have lots more to say.

and i will continue this thought in the next post!  didn't think there was so much to say, but i'll have to come back with the rest.  hope you and yours are doing well!  love you guys!  it means a lot to me to have you here.

p.s. if you're looking for something to lift your spirits, watch some good news HERE :)

good morning there, friend!  how are ya?
what are you thinking right now?  how is your life being impacted by these crazy times?  are you doing okay?
it's weird, isn't it??  i hope you're doing okay.  i think it helps to take things a day at a time.

i'm just in this surreal headspace.  it's all just too surreal.  like, really, restaurants are closed?  i'm not advised to leave my apartment and church and small group and all the things are cancelled?  i can't go to the gym?  what even is a routine anymore?  and will i ever wear jeans again? ;)
i am thankful for God's incredible provision for francis and i during this time.  we are both very thankful to be able to continue working and be healthy.  we definitely recognize that many families are suffering without incomes because of all of this, businesses are suffering, many are sick and scared, and scary things like domestic abuse is way up because people are left at home with their abusers.  it's kind of overwhelming.  i was praying yesterday about this virus' impact, and i didn't know what to say.  "God, heal everybody and make this go away."  can i say that?  is that something He'll do?  is that naive?  praying about this actually stressed me out a bit.  i don't know where to start, and i still struggle with what to ask of God.  i've found myself asking God to make things a lot less devastating than they are projected to be, and to provide all of our daily "bread and water" (basic needs).  maybe i need to pray bigger.  guys, i don't know.

here are the things i know are true:
.  there are lots of people helping.  good things are still happening.  communities are helping each other out, kiddos are writing positive chalk messages on sidewalks, churches are donating money and services to those in need.  families are ordering take-out from restaurants just to help them stay afloat, schools are bringing meals to kids' homes throughout the week, i heard of a coffee shop in minneapolis whose landlord is offering them a free month of rent, medical professionals are working tirelessly and sacrificially.  good things are happening, and i believe God's finger is in all of them- big and small.  we are created in God's image and any inclination towards love and service in our hearts is because God made us like Him.
.  this will not last forever.  i'm not sure what 'normal' will look like after all of this, but there will be a time where we can all hug each other again and go out without fear.
.  Jesus is still LORD.  God has not stopped being God.  and He is trustworthy in all things.

^^ fran & i saw this on a walk around our neighborhood. ^^

hey friends!
happy march 5th.
here is a recap of our month over here.  actually a really great month.  who knew?!  i think largely it was so great because of the mild temps and so many sunny days!  it does wonders for my spirits.

^^ these are pictures of me that francis took one morning for no apparent reason when we were making the bed.  i don't know why i've included them to be honest.  i guess they're kinda funny and they show me in life at this point in time.  please ignore our messy messy closet.  

^ our valentine's day was low-key and nice.  i baked a cake because i wanted to, found some heart-shaped pasta at aldi, and francis brought home some flowers for me!  we also exchanged cards and made each other tear up and it was wonderful.

^^ the weekend of february 14th, we met up with all of francis' family but two in wisconsin dells for the weekend, celebrating francis' mom's 60th birthday!  francis and i did the lazy river at the mount olympus waterpark a million times, i got some sweet sweet time with our nieces and nephew (including my little niece, ivy, calling me "ducky"...she's never called me anything before, guys! :)), and lots of games and rest.  also, this restaurant in the above photo was amazing!  called "the grateful shed" and filled with food trucks and 90s music.  i tried my first poke bowl there, weirdly enough.  i've learned something about myself recently.. when food comes in "bowl" format, i'm far more likely to order it, enjoy it, choose it. ...burrito bowl, burger bowl, you know.  it's all good.  plus, i love using chopsticks, so it really was a win.  (p.s. the pic is missing francis' sister, theresa, and our bro-in-law, ben who were there for the weekend, but had already left at this point).

on our way out of the dells, francis and i spotted this upside-down museum and spontaneously spent $5 each to walk through it.  i'm the target audience for weird stuff like this.  pay money to look at furniture put on the ceiling?!  yes!
waste of money in the end, but such a fun concept.  

^^^ pictured above: francis so cute, making me eggs one mornin before church :), the beautiful, fragrant flower guy i bought from aldi that i loved watching bloom, and my sisters and i pictured on paige & dave's move-in day to their new, beautiful house in saint paul!

^^ my wonderful, very special daddio celebrated his 54th birthday on the 25th!  and, like, his fifth consecutive year celebrating in mexico.  i love to make fun of him for that.  i love that diva so much! ;) i'm excited to celebrate as a family tomorrow!

also, on the 28th, my dear grandma turned 85!!  holy cow, i'm so lucky!  she is sharp and active and lovely and such an important person to all of us.  i'm so grateful to have her!  and isn't she radiant.

^^ please enjoy this picture of francis on the top of a huge mound of snow-dirt.  i also climbed it, but far less gracefully.  i had dirt all over my hands after climbing it, let's just say.  we took a pleasant walk that day, leap day.  francis flood is my favorite person and i could do anything in his company and be totally content.

the end.
​thank you for caring about my life, friends.  i'd like to update you on deeper stuff i'm thinking about too sometime soon.  thoughts or prayers, leave me a message, please!  i'd love to hear from you.

​and a sunny march to us all!

hey guys!
i know i'm running the risk of sounding like an ad, but i don't care.  this is my blog. ;)
it's been so fun to try hello fresh this past month (especially because it's the winter and cooking can be fun when it's cold and dark out all the time and you don't have any plans on weeknights).  you get a crazy deal on your first orders and i wholeheartedly recommend it.  we signed up for a month (and have actually kept going because we like it so much), and every wednesday we're delivered the recipes and all the ingredients needed for 3 meals (two servings with each).  both francis and i have gotten to cook new foods, and you get to pick all of your meals online ahead of time.  there are some really fun ones and i've loved trying them out!  plus, there are vegetarian options if that's your jam.

okay, psa over.  enjoy these fun lil pics of our creations.  and please let me know if you try it!

i was lying on my couch on sunday before we left for our annual "super-date" (where we ditch the superbowl festivities everyone else is doing because who cares, and go out for a date... it's like a holiday, honestly.  no one is out!) and this sun just really caught my eye!  do you know how RARE sun is these days?! (chances are, you probably do).  i had to snap a pic because i knew i'd need it next time we get a long stretch of no sun.  i love the sun and this lil apartment i share with my fran.  the sun just makes everything better.

happy february!  so far, i have no complaints.  it's already way better than january, weather-wise.

hey, all!

happy january.  to be honest, january is one of my least favorite months.  maybe even my least favorite.  but this month has been so good, actually!  and i think i can attribute that to a few things.  i wrote more about that below, but first, a few fun photos!

^^ fran stood up in a wedding on the 4th in river falls and looked SO handsome.  i enjoyed that wedding a lot because some of francis' old cru staff coworkers were there.  i got to sit by them and i really like them.  p.s. thanks for unknowingly letting me borrow your dress, paiger! ;)
​in other news, francis made me pancakes one night for dinner and i asked for a heart :) thought it was cute. ^^

^^ francis and i hosted my mom, dad, sisters & bro, and aunt wendy for dinner one evening and thought this lil board we put together was pretty.  hosting is my favorite thing!  peep the "f" coasters MADE by paige & dave, gifted to us for christmas!

^^ this past weekend i had the great honor of celebrating miss amy fredman, soon to be mrs. amy fredman-staley!  the drive getting to the shower was a little dicey, but i was so happy to be there to cheer on one of my all-time favorite women.  (she's the glowing one in white with the huge smile in the back!) also, we ate breakfast food and where there's breakfast food and some friends, i'm happy.

***
​​january.  
i think the month's felt so good because on the first of the month, i decided to take a break from instagram.  that might be the biggest reason it's been so good.  what an amazing difference that's made on me, oh wow.  i'm like shocked at how good that's been for me.  as fun as the gram is, i would compare myself constantly and evaluate how good my relationships are with others and how other people are doing in relation to me.  honestly, it was a winter-mental-health move to say goodbye for a minute.  what a wonder.

i've also been exercising regularly which has made me feel so happy.  it's such a good thing to move our bodies, and i forgot about that.  i really missed it.  i've seen a few friends this month, had meaningful family time, and i've been reading my Bible again.  i took a big break from reading my Bible (i'm not totally sure why.  there was a while there where i couldn't do it).  but i'm back and it's been refreshing and beautiful.  i think it's helped that i've started with one chapter every day.  that way, i can really soak in it and re-read things and don't feel like i'm rushing through it.  i don't know, it's working for me.  i am looking forward to continuing all of these practices, looking different each month i'm sure, throughout the rest of the year. 

oh! i started using the audible app in december.  anybody else use audible?  it's been so fun!  i actually drive pretty often for my job, so it's nice to have books to listen to, usually read by the author which is fun!  i've already listened to talking as fast as i can by lauren graham, homework: a julie andrews autobiography, is everyone hanging out without me? by mindy kaling, the magnolia story by chip and joanna gaines, and am currently listening to a princess diana biography, because i love the royal family, ha.  i'm super excited to listen to all sorts of books!
on another, much sadder note, something hard this month was one of my classmates from the really small high school i went to, passed away right at the beginning of the year.  it really shook me up.  it was all of a sudden and out of nowhere, and some dear friends of mine are really hurting.  the funeral was both incredibly beautiful and heartbreaking, as funerals often are.  but this guy filled up a thousand-person church sanctuary.  he was an incredible man and he loved Jesus with his whole heart.  he had a big impact on people.  one of those funny, outgoing, big-hearted guys.  he had an amazing singing voice and i can still hear it in my head.  the suddenness of his death really got to me.  no one is untouchable from death and are we all living with others on our minds and with Jesus as the most beautiful thing we know?  
​
how is your january going?  what's been good?  what's been hard?  if you're reading this, please reach out to me!  i want to host you!  even if it's for a cup of coffee, because i got a milk frother for christmas :) and i have lots of cozy blankets.  we could sit on my couch and chat!  or fran & i can take you to my favorite restaurant in the cities because i got lots of gift cards there for christmas, too (my family's really good to me).

thanks for reading along!

​hey, i brought comments back to the blog!  leave me one, eh?! (:

happy, happy new year!
2020!!!  what?! 
i'm so ready for it.  this past decade was my favorite decade of my life so far for sure.  at this time ten years ago, i was a little sixteen-year-old bub.  look all that's happened!  so much incredible beauty.  so much growth.  so many of my very dearest friends showed up.  my husband, even!  i can't wait to see what the new year and new DECADE (!!!) bring.

2019 was the year i became a wife.  that's my thing for this year.  it's so different from any other year for me.  brand new territory!  in this year, we both shifted jobs, churches, cities, and directions.  we've learned and are learning how to live together, how to love each other at our absolute worst, how to have friends in this new season.  i've gotten to, for real, make a home and that's been the most life-giving, satisfying thing.  i've had mild panics and deep wonderings about what following God even means and if i'm actually really doing it or going through the motions.  i traveled to arizona by myself, then hawaii with someone else ;)  i've had some of the best days of my entire life and also some of the worst days this year.  isn't that just like life?  and in the middle of all of it, there's Jesus.  isn't He there!!  incredible incredible Jesus.  so tender.  so steady in all things.  watching me and with me and holding me and teaching me and taking care of me.  hasn't He done that.  if He isn't the best thing i know.  the kindest.  i'm really hoping that this time next year and this time in 10 years brings more depth and even more sweetness between Him & me.  i hope that for you too, friend.  isn't He what we all need more of.

okay.  here's to our new decade!
i think the motto of my decade is going to be "live, laugh, love." jkkkkk, that was so ten years ago ;))))
​cheers!

my favorite tradition... 
(2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, & 2014)

little hi little low, little hey little ho!  (anyone seen stuart little?!)
ha.
anyways.
sitting in my old stomping grounds, eau cleezy, next to my fran, just passin time and waiting to hang with some really dear friends.  and here's what's on my mind today.

well, thanks for askin, i'm doing better than last time.  a bit.  there are still hard things in life, in my heart, and on my mind.  but today's been good.  it was nice to focus on my brother-in-law, dave, this morning, and get to celebrate his graduation with his fam & my sister.  and the anticipation of seeing friends i haven't seen in forever and a DAY feels really good too.  plus i love eau claire.  i have such a very special place in my heart for this city.  no matter how much it's changed every time i come back...

this week was hard for me.  hard for my fam.  remember how last time i said that our family dog, gracie, would probably die pretty soon?  it happened this week.  i'll always remember this past tuesday.  i had a meeting over by my parents' house that morning and decided to work from their house the rest of the day.  i had seen gracie on sunday and she had not been doing well, for a while.  my parents were told by the vet about a month ago that she had heart failure and that's why she would cough a lot (because her lungs were filled with fluid), but towards the end she was coughing and wheezing more than she wasn't, and we could tell it was taking it's toll on her.  if dogs could cry, she was crying.  her little face, still so sweet and gentle, told us she was so sad.  so i happened to work from my parents' house tuesday, and when i got there my parents were both working from home in the office and told me they were going to put gracie down that day.  i was the only one they told, because i was there.  mom was weepy all day.  as the hour came closer and then finally came, me, mom, and dad were sobbing.  oh man.  it probably sounds a little silly to you because she's a dog, but you don't know gracie.  she meant so much to all of us.  i had her in my life since i was twelve!  i'll never forget holding her, whispering goodbye and thanking her for such a sweet life with her, and handing her over to my heartbroken and devastated dad.  if you think of it, my mom and dad are especially sad still and maybe just ask Jesus for Him to hold them a little closer these days?  my sweet and wonderful fran comforted me so tenderly that night, allowing us to skip small group and snuggling me, bringing me snacks.

okay, something different to talk about.    
hmm.  oh, something i realized about the psalms, is that sometimes i have a hard time reading them and relating because often david or other psalmists say things like "search me and see if there is any fault in me, give me over to my enemies if i have not been faithful to You" (not exactly like that) but where they talk about how good they are and how blameless.  it's hard for me, because i want a psalm that says "God, i've been unfaithful to You and turned away from You again.  i'm so sorry.  because of Your goodness and beauty, rescue me from myself and make me close to You again."  i want a psalm like that.  i'm not writing off all of the psalms, just something i've noticed sometimes.  we're not all blameless okay, david?

we're gonna head out soon.  hey there are some beautiful things ahead.  press into the warmth and grace of Jesus, friend.

i'll be back soon.  thanks for reading.

hey there!

happy december to you & yours!  i have a very cozy apartment right now and it sure makes me happy to be home.  fran & i got our first christmas tree together yesterday and it's my favorite to have it all lit up.  it smells so good, brings me right back to my parents' house at christmastime growing up.  i also bought a strand of twinkle lights for one of our walls and a cheapo tiny tree with lights for our bedroom.  coziness makes me so happy.
why are you writing, alexi?  i thought you ditched this lil blog?  you must be thinking.
good question, i had for a while.  today i'm writing because i feel a bit sad.  have felt sad for a few months to be honest.  nothing to be concerned about, in general my life is very sweet.  the idea of writing out my thoughts on here made me think i'd feel like i am known, and i craved that today.  and it's really appealing to me that this blog has none of the hype i used to try to give it because only a few know about it or check it anymore so it feels safe to share some more vulnerable things today.  friendships have been a struggle at this point in my life.  i've started to believe lies about myself actually.  today i asked fran if i'm likeable.  if people like me.  we missed our church small group a few weeks ago because the week before at small group i cried when we left because i felt a little invisible and i just needed a break.   i've realized that i think i need to change my expectations for friendships at this stage in my life.  it's unrealistic for me to think that i'm going to be known by & close with lots and lots of people like college felt for me.  and three months ago, i left a job where i worked with people who felt like close friends to a job where no one really knows me and you can get away with going to your desk, doing your job, then going home without talking to anyone really.  i guess the transitions of a new marriage, new job, and new church are catching up with me.  and somehow even a friend who i used to be close with but haven't talked to in quite a while unfollowing me on instagram made me feel hurt.  like what?  why does something silly like that on instagram affect me?  why do i care so much?  (maybe i'm spending too much time there).  thinking about changing my social media habits with the new year (but to be honest, i love seeing the christmas pics around this time, so i'll stay on for the month i think ;))... see what i mean?  silly! 
if you're reading this, please don't feel like you need to take any responsibility for reaching out to me or something.  i just needed to write this all out for me.  i think i'm gonna keep writing, too.  i've missed this.  feels authentically me and that feels really good.  also, i think it's important to say that i have a part to play in reaching out to people, old and new friends, and i could be doing a whole lot better at that. 
okay, can i just say one other crappy thing?  our family dog, gracie, is gonna die soon.  she's not doing well.  and i know when anyone ever talks about their dog dying it's not really that big of a deal for anyone except the family members, and i know she's not an actual person, but it really is a big deal for us.  that dog is so special and my parents are going to be so heartbroken to not live with that lil furry nug.  i was twelve when we got her!  and she's the most tender-hearted and sweet little thing.  i really do love her.  we all do a lot.  so that sucks.

to not bum you out anymore, i'm going to end this with a list of really great things going on in my life right now:
-francis.  getting tears in my eyes thinking about him right now actually, ha, and he is currently across the room from me.  he is so good, you guys.  like sooo good, WOW.  and like no one even really knows the extent of how good he is.  he is the most precious thing.  his heart, oh man.  he's just... gosh.  the very best and i love him so deeply.
-Jesus.  lately i've been especially moved by His steadiness and dependability.  He is constant and true.  there's a lot, so much, in the world that is not true or good or right or kind, but He is all of those things.  ever-present, the most beautiful thing i know.
-christmastime!  i've always always loved this time of year.  it still makes me giddy like a little child.  it's so much fun and festive and cozy and worshipful, too.  we sang some christmas songs in church today and they are so worshipful, wow.
-my fam.  mom, dad, paige, sidney, and dave.  they are the best and i love how knowing i get to spend time with them actually makes me so excited.  they are fun to be around and they make me feel like i'm funny :) they also make me feel known, too, so i crave time with them even more these days.

thanks for letting me share these things.  it actually was really helpful to write them down.  next time i'll try not to be so bummy.  i truly hope your december is off to a wonderful start.

i'll write again soon.

love,
​lex. 

hey there, friends!
it's your homegurl, lex!
remember me?!  MAN, it has been SOME time.
i am currently sitting in starbucks on this beautiful day, sandwiched between dropping fran off for a baby shower (ha, isn't that great?!  a guys' baby shower to celebrate his friend, mitch!) and going to an exciting wedding with him at 3:00!  i had free time and i'm a little far from home to head back, so here i am!  sidenote: this nitro thing that is taking over coffee shops these days is something i can GET BEHIND, ha.  my friend aft told me yesterday that i'm waaay behind the times with this, but i don't even care.  my go-to order is nitro cold brew with sweet cream, PLEASE and thank you.  and boy, there's probably lots to catch you up on, but i most prefer random lil tidbits, so here's what's in my head today...

hm.  well, if you're wondering how my marriage is, because i actually really love when people ask me that, i will tell you I LOVE IT SO MUCH.  it's been the sweetest thing in my life!  OF COURSE it's not perfect, OF COURSE there are bumps and i know we're only 4 months in.  it's funny, i feel like i need to put a disclaimer on my happiness.. like qualify it by saying all these 'buts.'  right now, i'm cherishing it every day!  i hope i always cherish it.  seeing fran is my favorite part of the day when i get home, and we joke a lot and have a lot of fun together.  he is more endearing than i realized.. just so totally lovable.  i love it so much.  i love him so much.  i'm very happy these days.  i'll keep going on, so i might as well move to the next thing, ha...

what else?  oh, i started a new job!  it's going okay.  i'm so new and don't know that much yet and no one really knows me.  i don't know, it's a new job.  there are things i like, things i don't like.  and i'm gonna try my hardest every day.

our church community is great!  we're starting to feel known and starting to know people, but i do think that'll take more time.  being part of a community group really helps.  i signed up for a women's retreat in october and i think that'll be good for me.  a hard part of the season i'm currently in has been my female friendships feel far away and distant.  i know i play a big part in that, not reaching out to my sisters.  it leaves me feeling lonely often.  i used to have good friends at work also, and that's changed too.  this women's retreat was a little intimidating to sign up for, but i'm glad i did. 

our pastor is doing a lil series about the why behind certain rituals, like communion, why we exist as a church, etc., and today's message was the why behind our sunday morning gatherings.  i loved it.  so so necessary to think about and talk about, especially as all of us have questions- "can't i just do a podcast at home for church?  can't a small group at a coffee shop be church?- why do we have to meet on Sunday mornings?"  i loved thinking through this and hearing his insight.

i'm thinkin of you, ariel!  thanks for missing my blog.  made me feel so special when you reached out.  i miss you!

i've been cooking like 95% more than i ever did before getting married.  my go-to when i was living on my own?  tortilla chips with cheese melted on top and salsa.  mmm baby.  sometimes, i'd exert myself for a bag of steam-in-bag veggies.  ha.  i've really stepped up my game, and honestly, i'm surprising myself.  guys, i'm like pretty decent at cooking!  me & francis' favorite thing that i make is something i learned from my mom, and i'll share with you so you can make it and love it like we do.  ya ready?  BURGER BOWLS.  you heard it right.  cooked hamburger meat in a bowl (like how you'd cook it if you were makin spaghetti), shredded lettuce, chopped onions, chopped pickles, chopped tomatoes, shredded cheddar cheese, ketchup, mustard, mix it all up like a burrito bowl kinda, and ohhh baby you have the floods' favorite meal.  make it make it and tell us we're wrong!

my relationship with Jesus.  bein honest, it's been dry, guys.  i've been apathetic, unmotivated, and have let some questions about Him and the world creep in and negatively impact my prayer life and my desire to spend time with Him.  it makes me sad.  i love Him so much and want to be close to Him.  but i also see myself not really trying, and choosing others things to fill my time instead.  that's just where it's at.  He is still beautiful and merciful and kind and faithful even though i'm lame.