that word keeps coming up in my mind. i cried a lot today and i don't really know why i did. i just did. i'm frustrated with myself for a lot of different reasons... ugliness that leaks out of me when i let it slip, like i'd been holding it in and every once in a while my true selfish, snappy, clingy, me-first self rears its ugly head when i just so badly want to be like Jesus. i so hunger to be truly humble, to not be so annoyed by humans, not so impatient, not worried about money at all, a much better friend, confident in the person God made me, confident in love... that i am loved and that i am capable of loving in His kind of unnatural, shocking love. sometimes i feel like a fake. like minnesota nice instead of the kind of Jesus character that you can't fake, that only comes from walking with Him and learning from Him. the kind of Jesus character you can't muster on your own without Him. though i've tried to muster it. oh, i've tried. so today, yep, i'm thankful for grace. for forgiveness.
i'm not yet where i want to be, but Jesus also doesn't expect us to clean ourselves up before we come to Him. He just wants us to come. He's okay with me being on a journey towards redemption and transformation. i'm not there yet but i'm on my way. thankful for that. so thankful. i think i've taken those truths for granted in the past.