below are a few things i have learned from singleness, written here from my corner of the world, not speaking on behalf of all single people everywhere, for (hopefully) the encouragement and potential guidance of the single sister or brother out there:
1) when you're wanting a relationship sooo bad, that is almost always a symptom of something else.
from time to time, i need to step back and check myself in a few areas when i feel an unhealthy desire/ thought-ruling pattern of wanting a man to call my boo-thang ;) ... it looks like this:
reevaluating my actions, like checking my motives behind certain actions or even behind posting on instagram or snapchat (am i doing this for validation/to be seen? where do i need to take that instead?)
reassessing my expectations, like, do i think a relationship equals bliss and perfection? is what i have in my head of a relationship realistic, honoring, or godly? or is it something no flesh-and-bones human could ever live up to?
reminding myself where love comes from. when i am most insecure in my identity in Christ and most insecure in being loved by Jesus and others, for me, this manifests itself in my most ugly moments... clingy-ness, desiring a lot of affirmation from everyone, and especially desiring affirmation from men and a relationship. being satisfied in love, deep down to the core, will only come from Jesus. being seen and known the way we desire will only come from Jesus. that's it. there's just no way around it.
2) trust is huge.
when things just aren't working out and you're fearing that God didn't hear you when you said, "hey, i'd like an adventure buddy in this life" for the ten (thousandth) time, and you've got a white-knuckle hold on making it happen yourself, the best thing to do is breathe deeply a few times and remind yourself that God cares a lot about you. that He thinks about you and He cares who you spend your life with and He also cares about the state of your heart. trusting that and believing that is huge in letting things go and being okay when things just aren't working out with someone or there's no one in sight. just knowing that seems to be enough. this does not mean holding onto a promise that you're gonna get married... you may, you may not. it's holding onto the lover of your soul, believing that He loves and cares for you, and no matter what, He's got you. i've often felt that God was saying to me, "haven't i provided for you, alexi?" or, "don't you believe that i love you and i've got you, girl?"
3) desiring a relationship is not bad.
i might drop-kick the next person that tells me i'm single because i'm not desiring the LORD more than a man... and when i finally do, that is when He will bless me with one. stop it. i hate that. desiring a husband or wife is NOT bad, i actually happen to believe that Jesus puts desires in our hearts (after all, He made our hearts), and when it is hard being single (because that is a reality and shouldn't be pushed in the corner with "just desire God more"), i think that's when the most beautiful, real prayers come... "ouch, God, this hurts, and i'm feeling this and this and this and i need you to meet me here" is beautiful and better than pretending that pain isn't there or the desire isn't there.
4) singleness is actually awesome.
marriage is so wonderful and i love watching my friends commit to each other for life with Jesus at the center, and i love watching my friends fall in love. it's all so good and so beautiful and so pleasing to God. but a lot of times people can forget that singleness is actually awesome. i could make a list of why it's awesome, but that's why it's awesome for me, and it's probably awesome for you for different reasons. this might be a great exercise for you to think through. don't diss the place you're at and what God has given in this unique season by having eyes clouded with marriage. the grass is greener where we water it, friend.
5) being single does not equal not being chosen.
that one's the easiest one to believe. but you're not half a person. you are a whole person, with a heart and lungs and gifts and talents and purpose, and just because a guy or gal have not chosen you, that doesn't translate as you are not worthwhile. Jesus is crazy about who you are and who you are becoming and there is still a broken world in desperate need of everything you have and the light and life you carry. let us not lose sight of what we offer and what is most important just because someone isn't pickin up what you're layin down. (;
6) when singleness is hard...
that is the most beautiful opportunity to tell a friend you're struggling and need prayer and need truth. like with every hard thing, good friends can pray for you when you're having a hard time praying for yourself. they can ask God for you when you're eating a whole roll of jimmy john's bread thinking you're the biggest noob on the planet with nothing to offer (or something ;)). just this past week, my dear friends ariel and emily sent me prayer texts and encouragements because i didn't feel very okay or very awesome and their words and prayers lifted me right out of the mud. let other people into it. and be honest with God when it is hard. He loves that.
(i wrote a thought or two about dating, for the curious HERE. i am NOT an authority on these topics, just a girl livin in the world and noticing things.)
1) when you're wanting a relationship sooo bad, that is almost always a symptom of something else.
from time to time, i need to step back and check myself in a few areas when i feel an unhealthy desire/ thought-ruling pattern of wanting a man to call my boo-thang ;) ... it looks like this:
reevaluating my actions, like checking my motives behind certain actions or even behind posting on instagram or snapchat (am i doing this for validation/to be seen? where do i need to take that instead?)
reassessing my expectations, like, do i think a relationship equals bliss and perfection? is what i have in my head of a relationship realistic, honoring, or godly? or is it something no flesh-and-bones human could ever live up to?
reminding myself where love comes from. when i am most insecure in my identity in Christ and most insecure in being loved by Jesus and others, for me, this manifests itself in my most ugly moments... clingy-ness, desiring a lot of affirmation from everyone, and especially desiring affirmation from men and a relationship. being satisfied in love, deep down to the core, will only come from Jesus. being seen and known the way we desire will only come from Jesus. that's it. there's just no way around it.
2) trust is huge.
when things just aren't working out and you're fearing that God didn't hear you when you said, "hey, i'd like an adventure buddy in this life" for the ten (thousandth) time, and you've got a white-knuckle hold on making it happen yourself, the best thing to do is breathe deeply a few times and remind yourself that God cares a lot about you. that He thinks about you and He cares who you spend your life with and He also cares about the state of your heart. trusting that and believing that is huge in letting things go and being okay when things just aren't working out with someone or there's no one in sight. just knowing that seems to be enough. this does not mean holding onto a promise that you're gonna get married... you may, you may not. it's holding onto the lover of your soul, believing that He loves and cares for you, and no matter what, He's got you. i've often felt that God was saying to me, "haven't i provided for you, alexi?" or, "don't you believe that i love you and i've got you, girl?"
3) desiring a relationship is not bad.
i might drop-kick the next person that tells me i'm single because i'm not desiring the LORD more than a man... and when i finally do, that is when He will bless me with one. stop it. i hate that. desiring a husband or wife is NOT bad, i actually happen to believe that Jesus puts desires in our hearts (after all, He made our hearts), and when it is hard being single (because that is a reality and shouldn't be pushed in the corner with "just desire God more"), i think that's when the most beautiful, real prayers come... "ouch, God, this hurts, and i'm feeling this and this and this and i need you to meet me here" is beautiful and better than pretending that pain isn't there or the desire isn't there.
4) singleness is actually awesome.
marriage is so wonderful and i love watching my friends commit to each other for life with Jesus at the center, and i love watching my friends fall in love. it's all so good and so beautiful and so pleasing to God. but a lot of times people can forget that singleness is actually awesome. i could make a list of why it's awesome, but that's why it's awesome for me, and it's probably awesome for you for different reasons. this might be a great exercise for you to think through. don't diss the place you're at and what God has given in this unique season by having eyes clouded with marriage. the grass is greener where we water it, friend.
5) being single does not equal not being chosen.
that one's the easiest one to believe. but you're not half a person. you are a whole person, with a heart and lungs and gifts and talents and purpose, and just because a guy or gal have not chosen you, that doesn't translate as you are not worthwhile. Jesus is crazy about who you are and who you are becoming and there is still a broken world in desperate need of everything you have and the light and life you carry. let us not lose sight of what we offer and what is most important just because someone isn't pickin up what you're layin down. (;
6) when singleness is hard...
that is the most beautiful opportunity to tell a friend you're struggling and need prayer and need truth. like with every hard thing, good friends can pray for you when you're having a hard time praying for yourself. they can ask God for you when you're eating a whole roll of jimmy john's bread thinking you're the biggest noob on the planet with nothing to offer (or something ;)). just this past week, my dear friends ariel and emily sent me prayer texts and encouragements because i didn't feel very okay or very awesome and their words and prayers lifted me right out of the mud. let other people into it. and be honest with God when it is hard. He loves that.
(i wrote a thought or two about dating, for the curious HERE. i am NOT an authority on these topics, just a girl livin in the world and noticing things.)
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