i haven't felt so awesome the last couple of days, but today was beautiful and here's why:

i got to have a long talk with someone i work with about what they believe about the Bible and God and our purpose in life.
because coral really loves me well.
i got to sit with someone while she got her fluids through an IV as part of her cancer treatment today.
the sunshine.  duh.
one of my supervisors told me i do my job well.  that meant a lot.
​i found a really funny pic of my sisters.
spyhouse outside in the perfect weather with my cousin who really loves and cares about me.
my target run where i got to book it and walk as fast as i wanted because i didn't have anyone with me who walks reeeally slow.  it's the little things haha.
the mercy and gentleness of Jesus.
these bomb and cheap mashed potatoes that i'm eating right now for dinner.  holla.

​what was beautiful about today for you?

this is going to sound really odd, but i told my parents that i want this song to be played at my funeral and maybe even at my wedding too.  i know, really odd... but when i think about what i want to be said of my life and what matters most to me, this, right here, is it.  this is everything.

on tuesdays i work til 7, so tonight when i finished working i had it in my head that i'd come home and bake that chicken-in-a-bag that i've had in my freezer and maybe put some corn on the cob in the oven too (we don't have a grill ):).  well, i am a chicken noob, because turns out that sucker takes at least an hour and a half to bake (who knew?!  everyone, probably), and more time if you haven't thawed it... which, i didn't..  so looks like i'll be eating at nine.  joke's on me!

but in the meantime, SNACKS!  and i thought since i haven't blogged in a while, mostly because i haven't had many strokes of inspiration, and since i'm currently listening to julia child's BEAUTIFUL audiobook, my life in france, which always makes me hungry and makes me want to be like julia, i want to share my favorite snacks with you!  so basically this has the potential to be the dullest post you've ever read.

i've always gone through phases when it comes to food (my friends in college can attest), i'd eat the same thing every day... like oatmeal packets every morning and chicken terryaki bowls for lunch, and then i had a greek yogurt phase and big salad phase, and popcorn's pretty much always been a phase...  even when i was a kid, i went through a honeycomb cereal phase for at least a month, eating it every morning for breakfast.  anyway, here's a list of my snack phase right now.  maybe it will give you a little inspiration for your snack rut. (:  i've had to be a bit more creative these days because i've said goodbye to added sugar for a little while, so that's why yogurt and ice cream and all that stuff i love isn't on here.

1)  SMOKED GOUDA FLAVORED TRISCUITS.  (if you don't like gouda cheese, don't buy these.)
2)  carrots with guacamole.  sounds kind of odd, but it's SO good.  you could make your own guac, but it's fun to buy it done for you (:, especially when there are chunks of tomato in it!
3)  toast!  especially with butter and honey!
4)  avocado halves with salt and pepper!  i think i might be a tiny bit allergic to avocados because my throat gets tingly when i eat em, but that's not stoppin me! 
5)  BRUSSEL BYTES!  oh my gosh.  kinda pricey, but dang.  they're available at target in the diva health food section of the chips aisle. (;
6)  popcorn.  especially the boom chicka pop brand, and trader joe's also has some super good herb/spice flavored popcorn.
7)  sometimes drinks can be a snack!  i really like ginger kombucha and i looove califia's cold brew coffee with almond milk (no sugar, and surprisingly SO GOOD.  i've tried to recreate it and it just isn't the same!).

that's all i can think of for now.  THANKS, GOD, FOR FOOD!
happy snackin!  now i'll just have to find a way to kill another hour...  come on, chicken!

if you feel like you don't have time to watch the full video, please please make sure you at least watch the first 3 minutes.  i was enraptured within the first thirty seconds!  i want that to replay in my head all the time ha!

and thank you, devyn, for sharing it!!  i'm so glad you did!

...because you're carrying something heavy.
​
breathe in, then out.  in, then out.  (say these things out loud quietly and slowly to yourself):
...i am loved.  to the core of my being, the depths of my soul, i am loved.  there is nowhere i can hide or run from the love of my Maker.  He loves me and He likes me.
...i am known.  i am understood.  He gets me, He knows how i think and what upsets me and what makes me laugh and what makes me feel crazy loved.  
...i am a created human being, and as such i need sleep and food and rest and friendships.  there are limits to what i can do and that is okay and good.  i am not the Savior and the world is not in my hands.
...i am protected.  the loving eye of the LORD is on me when i sleep and when i wake.  when i awake i am still with Him.
...i am forgiven.  the price for my sin was paid, and when i ask God for forgiveness He is faithful to forgive me and i can let it go.
...i am taken care of.  He knows what i need and i can trust Him.  He made my heart and covered me with skin and bones and knows better what i need than i do.  i am His child.  He loves me. 

now picture yourself in God's hand.  take off that heavy backpack of loneliness and not-good-enough and i-screwed-up and how-am-i-going-to-pay-for-this, and set it next to you, in God's hand.  leave it there.  now it's just you.  safe in the hand of the kindest, most honorable, upright, crazy safe King.

"but i'm not good enough."
"but did you see that really crappy thing i did."
"but i lied today."
"but i really let you down, God."
"but what if it doesn't work and what if i have to..."
"but i've really been awful at spending time with you, don't even look at me."

i think He'd tell you, "let me love you, (insert your name here).  let me wash you and make you clean.  (beautiful imagery of this HERE, as told by the wonderful, clive staples lewis!)...let me be God."

no more crust, no more scales, or fear, or anxiety, or shame.
we're new.
tomorrow will be new.

this past weekend when i had the privilege of standing next to one of my best friends while she devoted herself to her new husband, james, i was really struck by a statement made by one of the best men during the speeches.  he said that when james was getting ready to make his dating intentions known to emily, he had told his friend and now best man, "do you think i'm the right guy for her?" when usually that question would go, "do you think she's the right girl for me?"
wow.  that's the kind of person i want to be.  someone who is absolutely others-centered in every area of life.  because without a doubt that is the kind of person Jesus was and is.

over the past few months i've felt a strong, yet gentle, tug on my heart about how i need to just get over myself.  it's not that i think i'm some hot shot, in fact often i think the opposite of myself, but that's just it, i think too much about myself in general... how i come across to people and what i do and don't feel like doing and if i look okay and how to best take care of myself and so on...  in the breath that is the time we've been given on earth, there's not enough of it for considering so much how i'm doing and what so-and-so thinks about me. 

basically i'm just going to spend a little time drop-kicking the beloved "treat yo self" epidemic in the face.
(**p.s. please understand i'm not suggesting we don't need to care for ourselves and our bodies well or buy ourselves a nice shirt every once in a while.  i think the Spirit prompts us in what "getting over ourselves" looks like individually and will convict us of what things we are doing in the spirit of self-centeredness if we ask Him.)

for me, getting over myself has looked like this so far:
1) letting go of my white-knuckled grip to always appear a certain way on social media or in person.  (skinny, happy, pretty, kind, smart, someone who can have fun but also be serious, super God-loving but not so God-loving it seems like i'm not approachable) ...really?  more than two seconds of my thoughts were spent on this?  on how it seems i am to other people?  in our world these days, how we appear to other people is actually huge.  but one way to let go of this tight grip, post less and do more!  one of my favorite things about my mom is how she always says "i'm so sick of how people just sit around and talk about what they want to do or make a pinterest board of projects they're never going to try.  just do it and shut up about it!"  (my mom is a really nice lady, i promise, haha!)  but i so agree even though i've been so bad at this is.  i'm preaching to myself just as much as to you... talk less, do more.  my mom does incredible, astounding things with her life (INCREDIBLE) but no one knows because she will never post her latest crazy awesome handmade home project on instagram, or tell people she tithes every week and gives to others.  let's all get over how we appear to be.  there's just no time left to dedicate to thinking about that anymore.

2) having a job that almost forces me to get over myself.
luckily (and unluckily) i have a job that is on the BOTTOM of the "food chain" in almost every way.  i don't get paid a ton and i work with people who are sometimes very mean and entitled and some of them have apartments that reek of cigarette smoke and some of them say awkward things because they don't understand social cues and some of them don't have teeth and some of them don't listen but love to talk and complain.  my role is literally to serve them, whether i want to or not.  this helps me get over myself, especially when i'm tempted to think in the direction of being above them.  i realize we don't all have jobs like this, but i'm 99% sure we all at least know someone who is hard to love or awkward to be around because of at least one annoying quirk.  be around them anyway.  spend some time with the people nobody thinks are cool.

3) volunteering/serving.
nothing gets me out of my own head like helping someone really in need.  this is really important in the goal of living and loving more like Christ as well.  He was and is the servant of all servants.  beware, though, of doing this for the wrong reasons, like using your volunteering as a way to show someone that you're super selfless and godly.  an ugly, self-centered road disguised as an others-centered one that's easy to slip onto.  volunteer and don't tell anyone.

4) reminders.  
i am convinced that the greatest, longest-lasting epidemic of humankind is forgetting.  with this in mind, multiple times a day i need to say "get over yourself, alexi" and "God, help me freaking get over myself" and it actually really helps me redirect my mind.  if you forget to remind yourself, bring in the sticky-notes!  another benefit of this is you get better at recognizing how often you slip into self-focused thoughts throughout the day and quicker to redirect.

5) not buying that thing i really want.
money is, i think, one of the biggest ways self-centeredness can rear its ugly head.  "spending money on me because i'm worth it or because it's okay to treat myself" is the motto of our day but is, in my opinion, actually a dangerous line of thinking... one we need to be careful of, because it can quickly turn into thinking we deserve something or lean towards entitlement without us even knowing it.  "it's just a pedicure, and i earned this money after all"  ... think i'm being extreme?  but what about when Jesus' said to "sell your possessions and give to the poor" in matthew 19:21?  the best cure for self-mindedness in spending?  give money in a way that hurts a little, and do it regularly.  don't just give your change and don't just do it once and be done.  may we never believe we deserve any of what we have.  all is gift.

6) reading scripture:
...to remind myself i am not the sun that the rest of the world revolves around and what Jesus is doing is bigger than just me.
...to remind myself of my worth as a created human and a daughter of God and that i am loved more than imaginable so i can be okay with playing the background, instead of the spotlight.
...so i can get into God's head instead of my own and learn about His character and what He's all about.  He's way cooler to spend time thinking about anyway.


these are just a few that i've disovered as i am on a journey, filled with lots of failure, in this endeavor.  and i think God is really okay with me and you being on a journey.  won't you try and fail and try and fail with me?
let us tattoo it on our foreheads that we are not the main characters in the story of humanity.  Jesus is.  Jesus every time.  may He and He alone be what replaces the self-centeredness that is so quick of our hearts and minds.

when my mama told me she prays for my future spouse.
when emily's dad teared up for a moment during his speech at her wedding.
the sun and warm strong wind during a church picnic today, families all around.
when a beautiful man from church shared about how good God is, in the midst of the deep pain and difficult time he and his family had recently, and watching his wife and kids cry in their seats and seeing other people dab their eyes as well.
the way my church staff address and talk about our church like we're family.
jon foreman's songs, the cure for pain, and the house of God, forever.
josh garrels' lyric, "it's gonna be alright.  turn around and let back in the light and joy will come, like a birdy in the morning sun."
the way alyssa talks about prayer.
that sacred time on friday, most precious to me, when i got to eat breakfast in my grandparents' kitchen with both of them, and grandpa's prayer over it before we ate.
grandpa's voice and how he talks about God.
thinkin about my dad buddy.  just such a good man, it brings me to tears sometimes!
the way my diva basil plant perks right up when i water him.  pretty representative of my spirit when i spend time with God.
getting to stand beside one of my best friends while she married a really good man.
reagan and taylor and michelle and elizabeth...  four women i didn't really know before yesterday but ended the day as good friends!
how God picks me up every. single. time i realize i fell off the track and am self-centered and whiny and entitled again.  He cleans me again and in love says, "look again, daughter."
taking communion today with beautiful friends who know they need Jesus too.