happy, happy new year!
2020!!!  what?! 
i'm so ready for it.  this past decade was my favorite decade of my life so far for sure.  at this time ten years ago, i was a little sixteen-year-old bub.  look all that's happened!  so much incredible beauty.  so much growth.  so many of my very dearest friends showed up.  my husband, even!  i can't wait to see what the new year and new DECADE (!!!) bring.

2019 was the year i became a wife.  that's my thing for this year.  it's so different from any other year for me.  brand new territory!  in this year, we both shifted jobs, churches, cities, and directions.  we've learned and are learning how to live together, how to love each other at our absolute worst, how to have friends in this new season.  i've gotten to, for real, make a home and that's been the most life-giving, satisfying thing.  i've had mild panics and deep wonderings about what following God even means and if i'm actually really doing it or going through the motions.  i traveled to arizona by myself, then hawaii with someone else ;)  i've had some of the best days of my entire life and also some of the worst days this year.  isn't that just like life?  and in the middle of all of it, there's Jesus.  isn't He there!!  incredible incredible Jesus.  so tender.  so steady in all things.  watching me and with me and holding me and teaching me and taking care of me.  hasn't He done that.  if He isn't the best thing i know.  the kindest.  i'm really hoping that this time next year and this time in 10 years brings more depth and even more sweetness between Him & me.  i hope that for you too, friend.  isn't He what we all need more of.

okay.  here's to our new decade!
i think the motto of my decade is going to be "live, laugh, love." jkkkkk, that was so ten years ago ;))))
​cheers!

my favorite tradition... 
(2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, & 2014)

little hi little low, little hey little ho!  (anyone seen stuart little?!)
ha.
anyways.
sitting in my old stomping grounds, eau cleezy, next to my fran, just passin time and waiting to hang with some really dear friends.  and here's what's on my mind today.

well, thanks for askin, i'm doing better than last time.  a bit.  there are still hard things in life, in my heart, and on my mind.  but today's been good.  it was nice to focus on my brother-in-law, dave, this morning, and get to celebrate his graduation with his fam & my sister.  and the anticipation of seeing friends i haven't seen in forever and a DAY feels really good too.  plus i love eau claire.  i have such a very special place in my heart for this city.  no matter how much it's changed every time i come back...

this week was hard for me.  hard for my fam.  remember how last time i said that our family dog, gracie, would probably die pretty soon?  it happened this week.  i'll always remember this past tuesday.  i had a meeting over by my parents' house that morning and decided to work from their house the rest of the day.  i had seen gracie on sunday and she had not been doing well, for a while.  my parents were told by the vet about a month ago that she had heart failure and that's why she would cough a lot (because her lungs were filled with fluid), but towards the end she was coughing and wheezing more than she wasn't, and we could tell it was taking it's toll on her.  if dogs could cry, she was crying.  her little face, still so sweet and gentle, told us she was so sad.  so i happened to work from my parents' house tuesday, and when i got there my parents were both working from home in the office and told me they were going to put gracie down that day.  i was the only one they told, because i was there.  mom was weepy all day.  as the hour came closer and then finally came, me, mom, and dad were sobbing.  oh man.  it probably sounds a little silly to you because she's a dog, but you don't know gracie.  she meant so much to all of us.  i had her in my life since i was twelve!  i'll never forget holding her, whispering goodbye and thanking her for such a sweet life with her, and handing her over to my heartbroken and devastated dad.  if you think of it, my mom and dad are especially sad still and maybe just ask Jesus for Him to hold them a little closer these days?  my sweet and wonderful fran comforted me so tenderly that night, allowing us to skip small group and snuggling me, bringing me snacks.

okay, something different to talk about.    
hmm.  oh, something i realized about the psalms, is that sometimes i have a hard time reading them and relating because often david or other psalmists say things like "search me and see if there is any fault in me, give me over to my enemies if i have not been faithful to You" (not exactly like that) but where they talk about how good they are and how blameless.  it's hard for me, because i want a psalm that says "God, i've been unfaithful to You and turned away from You again.  i'm so sorry.  because of Your goodness and beauty, rescue me from myself and make me close to You again."  i want a psalm like that.  i'm not writing off all of the psalms, just something i've noticed sometimes.  we're not all blameless okay, david?

we're gonna head out soon.  hey there are some beautiful things ahead.  press into the warmth and grace of Jesus, friend.

i'll be back soon.  thanks for reading.

hey there!

happy december to you & yours!  i have a very cozy apartment right now and it sure makes me happy to be home.  fran & i got our first christmas tree together yesterday and it's my favorite to have it all lit up.  it smells so good, brings me right back to my parents' house at christmastime growing up.  i also bought a strand of twinkle lights for one of our walls and a cheapo tiny tree with lights for our bedroom.  coziness makes me so happy.
why are you writing, alexi?  i thought you ditched this lil blog?  you must be thinking.
good question, i had for a while.  today i'm writing because i feel a bit sad.  have felt sad for a few months to be honest.  nothing to be concerned about, in general my life is very sweet.  the idea of writing out my thoughts on here made me think i'd feel like i am known, and i craved that today.  and it's really appealing to me that this blog has none of the hype i used to try to give it because only a few know about it or check it anymore so it feels safe to share some more vulnerable things today.  friendships have been a struggle at this point in my life.  i've started to believe lies about myself actually.  today i asked fran if i'm likeable.  if people like me.  we missed our church small group a few weeks ago because the week before at small group i cried when we left because i felt a little invisible and i just needed a break.   i've realized that i think i need to change my expectations for friendships at this stage in my life.  it's unrealistic for me to think that i'm going to be known by & close with lots and lots of people like college felt for me.  and three months ago, i left a job where i worked with people who felt like close friends to a job where no one really knows me and you can get away with going to your desk, doing your job, then going home without talking to anyone really.  i guess the transitions of a new marriage, new job, and new church are catching up with me.  and somehow even a friend who i used to be close with but haven't talked to in quite a while unfollowing me on instagram made me feel hurt.  like what?  why does something silly like that on instagram affect me?  why do i care so much?  (maybe i'm spending too much time there).  thinking about changing my social media habits with the new year (but to be honest, i love seeing the christmas pics around this time, so i'll stay on for the month i think ;))... see what i mean?  silly! 
if you're reading this, please don't feel like you need to take any responsibility for reaching out to me or something.  i just needed to write this all out for me.  i think i'm gonna keep writing, too.  i've missed this.  feels authentically me and that feels really good.  also, i think it's important to say that i have a part to play in reaching out to people, old and new friends, and i could be doing a whole lot better at that. 
okay, can i just say one other crappy thing?  our family dog, gracie, is gonna die soon.  she's not doing well.  and i know when anyone ever talks about their dog dying it's not really that big of a deal for anyone except the family members, and i know she's not an actual person, but it really is a big deal for us.  that dog is so special and my parents are going to be so heartbroken to not live with that lil furry nug.  i was twelve when we got her!  and she's the most tender-hearted and sweet little thing.  i really do love her.  we all do a lot.  so that sucks.

to not bum you out anymore, i'm going to end this with a list of really great things going on in my life right now:
-francis.  getting tears in my eyes thinking about him right now actually, ha, and he is currently across the room from me.  he is so good, you guys.  like sooo good, WOW.  and like no one even really knows the extent of how good he is.  he is the most precious thing.  his heart, oh man.  he's just... gosh.  the very best and i love him so deeply.
-Jesus.  lately i've been especially moved by His steadiness and dependability.  He is constant and true.  there's a lot, so much, in the world that is not true or good or right or kind, but He is all of those things.  ever-present, the most beautiful thing i know.
-christmastime!  i've always always loved this time of year.  it still makes me giddy like a little child.  it's so much fun and festive and cozy and worshipful, too.  we sang some christmas songs in church today and they are so worshipful, wow.
-my fam.  mom, dad, paige, sidney, and dave.  they are the best and i love how knowing i get to spend time with them actually makes me so excited.  they are fun to be around and they make me feel like i'm funny :) they also make me feel known, too, so i crave time with them even more these days.

thanks for letting me share these things.  it actually was really helpful to write them down.  next time i'll try not to be so bummy.  i truly hope your december is off to a wonderful start.

i'll write again soon.

love,
​lex.