happy december to you & yours! i have a very cozy apartment right now and it sure makes me happy to be home. fran & i got our first christmas tree together yesterday and it's my favorite to have it all lit up. it smells so good, brings me right back to my parents' house at christmastime growing up. i also bought a strand of twinkle lights for one of our walls and a cheapo tiny tree with lights for our bedroom. coziness makes me so happy.
why are you writing, alexi? i thought you ditched this lil blog? you must be thinking.
good question, i had for a while. today i'm writing because i feel a bit sad. have felt sad for a few months to be honest. nothing to be concerned about, in general my life is very sweet. the idea of writing out my thoughts on here made me think i'd feel like i am known, and i craved that today. and it's really appealing to me that this blog has none of the hype i used to try to give it because only a few know about it or check it anymore so it feels safe to share some more vulnerable things today. friendships have been a struggle at this point in my life. i've started to believe lies about myself actually. today i asked fran if i'm likeable. if people like me. we missed our church small group a few weeks ago because the week before at small group i cried when we left because i felt a little invisible and i just needed a break. i've realized that i think i need to change my expectations for friendships at this stage in my life. it's unrealistic for me to think that i'm going to be known by & close with lots and lots of people like college felt for me. and three months ago, i left a job where i worked with people who felt like close friends to a job where no one really knows me and you can get away with going to your desk, doing your job, then going home without talking to anyone really. i guess the transitions of a new marriage, new job, and new church are catching up with me. and somehow even a friend who i used to be close with but haven't talked to in quite a while unfollowing me on instagram made me feel hurt. like what? why does something silly like that on instagram affect me? why do i care so much? (maybe i'm spending too much time there). thinking about changing my social media habits with the new year (but to be honest, i love seeing the christmas pics around this time, so i'll stay on for the month i think ;))... see what i mean? silly!
if you're reading this, please don't feel like you need to take any responsibility for reaching out to me or something. i just needed to write this all out for me. i think i'm gonna keep writing, too. i've missed this. feels authentically me and that feels really good. also, i think it's important to say that i have a part to play in reaching out to people, old and new friends, and i could be doing a whole lot better at that.
okay, can i just say one other crappy thing? our family dog, gracie, is gonna die soon. she's not doing well. and i know when anyone ever talks about their dog dying it's not really that big of a deal for anyone except the family members, and i know she's not an actual person, but it really is a big deal for us. that dog is so special and my parents are going to be so heartbroken to not live with that lil furry nug. i was twelve when we got her! and she's the most tender-hearted and sweet little thing. i really do love her. we all do a lot. so that sucks.
to not bum you out anymore, i'm going to end this with a list of really great things going on in my life right now:
-francis. getting tears in my eyes thinking about him right now actually, ha, and he is currently across the room from me. he is so good, you guys. like sooo good, WOW. and like no one even really knows the extent of how good he is. he is the most precious thing. his heart, oh man. he's just... gosh. the very best and i love him so deeply.
-Jesus. lately i've been especially moved by His steadiness and dependability. He is constant and true. there's a lot, so much, in the world that is not true or good or right or kind, but He is all of those things. ever-present, the most beautiful thing i know.
-christmastime! i've always always loved this time of year. it still makes me giddy like a little child. it's so much fun and festive and cozy and worshipful, too. we sang some christmas songs in church today and they are so worshipful, wow.
-my fam. mom, dad, paige, sidney, and dave. they are the best and i love how knowing i get to spend time with them actually makes me so excited. they are fun to be around and they make me feel like i'm funny :) they also make me feel known, too, so i crave time with them even more these days.
thanks for letting me share these things. it actually was really helpful to write them down. next time i'll try not to be so bummy. i truly hope your december is off to a wonderful start.
i'll write again soon.