a few thoughts on my mind: (and i like lists because they help me be okay with being so scattered, so here ya go!)
~~it is november. do you know what that means?? it means it is the beginning of the most wonderful time of the year! all seem to be especially thankful in this month, count our blessings a little extra, and feelings of cozy-almost-Christmas-hug-all-your-friends-more are bubbling inside! i love this time of year, i just love it!
~~i got to go home this weekend... you know how we all experience little pieces of what God intended for shalom to be like throughout our life? like, shalom in the garden of eden wholeness as the LORD intended? well running through the front door, following paige, and squeezing mom, dad, and sidney for the first time in two months was a piece of that whole, all-is-right-and-peaceful-and-finally-ness. it was the sweetest time of rest and cherishing for me.
~~i had the most satisfying lunchtime with ariel and katie and anna today in davies.. it was just the best! i'm so pleased with that time. it was nothing special, really, and nothing in particular happened. i'm just thankful!
~~my deepest desire right now is to figure out how to live in a state of one-ness with the LORD. and i don't understand how to. but what i want so badly is to relate to God like a fetus would relate to their mother.. like my friend syd explained to me, if you were to ask a fetus about their relationship with their mom, (if a fetus could talk) they would say "what are you talking about, i don't exist without my mother. she is my nourishment, she is my heartbeat, my warmth. i depend on her for my breath. without her, i am not." and wow! i honestly don't think i could say that about my relationship with God. i'm so sad about this! i think i live my life like maybe God's right next to me. like He helps me with me decisions sometimes. (okay, it's deeper than that) but i don't know one-ness with Him like that! what does that even look like for Him and i to be one? (but seriously, if you have any insight, pull me aside sometime! i wanna know!) how do i abide in that desperation for Him? that full on knowledge in daily living that i do not exist if He is not present? i'm thankful for His patience with me and grace when i fail.
~~i realized that God has forgiven my sin and let it go when i ask for repentance, but i don't let it go and often think there must be more that i need to do and that He's tallying up my offenses. i don't live like i'm free and forgiven. i don't live like i trust God and what He says when He says He has forgiven us. and when i do that, when i'm living like i need to do more for it to actually be true that He's forgiven me, it's basically like i'm saying what He did on the cross wasn't enough.. woof.
~~i know i talk about my parents a lot on here, but i gotta! (disclaimer: they are imperfect human beings despite the picture i paint of them) but before heading back to school, my dad filled my gas tank, took my car through the wash (that puppy started the wash gray and came out black!), vacuumed it, and filled the tires.. my mom washed my clothes & cooked us beautiful meals & helped me address little things in my life that i have a tendency to avoid. i have really, really, wonderful parents. too often i take them for granted, but really guys, they are two of the most from-the-center-beautiful human beings i know.
~~i have a new friend james who always goes out of his way to say "hi" to me, even though we've only said a few sentences to each other. like just now, he waved to me! ha, i like that! fun.
there ya have it. my scattered and imperfect thoughts that i've been ruminating on this week. guess i had a lot to share, huh?? if you made it this far, i'm so honored! if you didn't, i understand completely.
tell God what your thankful for tonight, okay? and not just the obvious ones, the little things, too. challenge yourself to see deeper.