there's a couple reasons i'm telling you this story.
first, because sometimes i get the sense that people think i never get mad or am never mean or rude. i've actually heard multiple times from different people, "alexi, i could never see you being angry/mean" with a little chuckle. it actually makes me sad when people say that. and kinda mad, too (please don't ever say that to me.) it makes me think, does that mean i'm putting off a fake projection of myself? is it because my voice is peppier/more high pitched than the average person? i work really hard to not be a fake person, so when i hear those kind of things i think maybe i'm not being honest enough about my ugly moments or something. or maybe i'm causing people to think i'm more than i am. whatever the reason, here's just a day's snapshot into one of my many "not my best self" moments so you can see, i am in fact human. i am mostly positive, and try to be, but i get really nasty sometimes, and snappy and short and angry. and if for no other reason, it's always better to be more transparent and honest, so this is one more practice of that.
also, because right now my relationship with God is in a really great place. better than it's been in a while, but i still felt this nasty person, a person i knew i was not created to be, come out of me. i always think that the closer i am to God and the better my relationship is with Him, the more He'll transform me, the more i'll look like Him, and the less "not my best self" moments i'll have. which i still think is true, but there's a battle every day between the "flesh-man" and the "Spirit-man." if i learned one thing from my kindergarten-through-high-school-graduation experience in a small christian school, one very valuable thing, was the concept of the never ending struggle between the "flesh man" versus the "Spirit man" until Jesus comes back for us. as a kid, i kind of got it, but now as an adult i see it even more. when we follow Jesus, we are His, we are claimed by Him and take on His righteousness, but we are also still human and still sinners living in the world with other messy humans and still wrestle with all that comes with that. and even yesterday i found myself in a place i thought i'd gotten over and moved past, and i had to be all "ughhhh... really, alexi? are we back there again?" oh, life. we all stumble and trip. but good thing it shows us that much more how much we need Him.