last wednesday my car got a flat tire. and not just a little air came out, friends. i had to pull that bad boy over into a safe parking lot because something was definitely wrong. i've never had a flat tire, and i was driving one of the folks i work with, so, kind of a stressful situation. after a phone call to dad though (who was conveniently in wisconsin with the rest of my fam), a little entertaining the person i was working with, and a really kind uncle who left work to come to the rescue, the spare was on and we were on our way. the next day i needed to take my car in and have the tire replaced, but i'm a noob when it comes to cars and tires and things, so on my way over i talked it through with my dad on the phone. and i just got super snappy and rude to him, and short. ugh i didn't like hearing myself. he was just explaining how i need to be financially prepared for things like this in the future, because that's how life is, and car troubles are a factor of choosing to drive as many miles as i do and i got defensive and rude and threw out the "what do you want me to do, not drive?!" like a diva teenager or something. at the end of that phone call i felt so ashamed. my dad's really patient with me and he doesn't snap back, so i felt even worse for taking advantage of that. and when i got to the tire store and the man said "hi, my name is stephen, how can i help you? there's coffee and water over there and you can just take a seat, we'll take care of you," i felt even worse. i didn't deserve his kindness. i knew i needed to apologize to my dad and to God, too.
there's a couple reasons i'm telling you this story.
first, because sometimes i get the sense that people think i never get mad or am never mean or rude. i've actually heard multiple times from different people, "alexi, i could never see you being angry/mean" with a little chuckle. it actually makes me sad when people say that. and kinda mad, too (please don't ever say that to me.) it makes me think, does that mean i'm putting off a fake projection of myself? is it because my voice is peppier/more high pitched than the average person? i work really hard to not be a fake person, so when i hear those kind of things i think maybe i'm not being honest enough about my ugly moments or something. or maybe i'm causing people to think i'm more than i am. whatever the reason, here's just a day's snapshot into one of my many "not my best self" moments so you can see, i am in fact human. i am mostly positive, and try to be, but i get really nasty sometimes, and snappy and short and angry. and if for no other reason, it's always better to be more transparent and honest, so this is one more practice of that.
also, because right now my relationship with God is in a really great place. better than it's been in a while, but i still felt this nasty person, a person i knew i was not created to be, come out of me. i always think that the closer i am to God and the better my relationship is with Him, the more He'll transform me, the more i'll look like Him, and the less "not my best self" moments i'll have. which i still think is true, but there's a battle every day between the "flesh-man" and the "Spirit-man." if i learned one thing from my kindergarten-through-high-school-graduation experience in a small christian school, one very valuable thing, was the concept of the never ending struggle between the "flesh man" versus the "Spirit man" until Jesus comes back for us. as a kid, i kind of got it, but now as an adult i see it even more. when we follow Jesus, we are His, we are claimed by Him and take on His righteousness, but we are also still human and still sinners living in the world with other messy humans and still wrestle with all that comes with that. and even yesterday i found myself in a place i thought i'd gotten over and moved past, and i had to be all "ughhhh... really, alexi? are we back there again?" oh, life. we all stumble and trip. but good thing it shows us that much more how much we need Him.
there's a couple reasons i'm telling you this story.
first, because sometimes i get the sense that people think i never get mad or am never mean or rude. i've actually heard multiple times from different people, "alexi, i could never see you being angry/mean" with a little chuckle. it actually makes me sad when people say that. and kinda mad, too (please don't ever say that to me.) it makes me think, does that mean i'm putting off a fake projection of myself? is it because my voice is peppier/more high pitched than the average person? i work really hard to not be a fake person, so when i hear those kind of things i think maybe i'm not being honest enough about my ugly moments or something. or maybe i'm causing people to think i'm more than i am. whatever the reason, here's just a day's snapshot into one of my many "not my best self" moments so you can see, i am in fact human. i am mostly positive, and try to be, but i get really nasty sometimes, and snappy and short and angry. and if for no other reason, it's always better to be more transparent and honest, so this is one more practice of that.
also, because right now my relationship with God is in a really great place. better than it's been in a while, but i still felt this nasty person, a person i knew i was not created to be, come out of me. i always think that the closer i am to God and the better my relationship is with Him, the more He'll transform me, the more i'll look like Him, and the less "not my best self" moments i'll have. which i still think is true, but there's a battle every day between the "flesh-man" and the "Spirit-man." if i learned one thing from my kindergarten-through-high-school-graduation experience in a small christian school, one very valuable thing, was the concept of the never ending struggle between the "flesh man" versus the "Spirit man" until Jesus comes back for us. as a kid, i kind of got it, but now as an adult i see it even more. when we follow Jesus, we are His, we are claimed by Him and take on His righteousness, but we are also still human and still sinners living in the world with other messy humans and still wrestle with all that comes with that. and even yesterday i found myself in a place i thought i'd gotten over and moved past, and i had to be all "ughhhh... really, alexi? are we back there again?" oh, life. we all stumble and trip. but good thing it shows us that much more how much we need Him.
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