new jobs are hard. feeling overwhelmed and inadequate all day, day after day. being the one people don't know. that's hard.
thinking about aleppo is hard. so hard it makes me squirmy and makes me not want to think about it at all because that's just easier. but not thinking about it is harder.
doing or saying ugly things is hard. i don't know about you guys, but some of my ugliest sides come out when i'm with my family. i think it's because i feel most safe with them and know their love for me won't be taken away if i mess up, but gosh, so many times i've thought i'm really growing with Jesus and see changes in my heart and then i do or say something insensitive or hurtful or prideful or whatever and think yuck! uuuugggghhhhh where did that come from?! that's not me! that's not where i want to be! like i forget about Jesus' work in my heart and who i am becoming.
going to bed at 9:30 is hard, but so is not going to bed at 9:30.
the old testament is hard (beautiful and other things too, but i'm just acknowledging things that are hard right now, you know, in the spirit of christmas! ;)). ...leviticus chapter 27 is hard. what the heck am i supposed to do with leviticus chapter 27? i'm trying to have a heart posture of trying to understand and not make assumptions when i approach the old testament, but some of it is quite hard to swallow and i just don't know where to put it and i've heard that thinking God is the mean one from the old testament and Jesus is the nice one who came to kiss our booboos and save us from that mean God is the wrong way to think about God the Father, but you read leviticus and tell me you don't have some questions and He isn't a little scary and it doesn't seem like He values men more than women and that He doesn't think it's okay to have slaves... i've been struggling with this lately, guys.
also i just realized that much of what is hard for me lately is also very humbling. very who-do-you-think-you-are-alexi-speich... to assume who God is fits into what i think He is or should be... to have my biggest difficulties right now be having to go to bed early and whether or not to think about the tragedies that are some brothers' and sisters' reality. hmm. how bout that. how very good for me, that dose of humilty.
thinking about aleppo is hard. so hard it makes me squirmy and makes me not want to think about it at all because that's just easier. but not thinking about it is harder.
doing or saying ugly things is hard. i don't know about you guys, but some of my ugliest sides come out when i'm with my family. i think it's because i feel most safe with them and know their love for me won't be taken away if i mess up, but gosh, so many times i've thought i'm really growing with Jesus and see changes in my heart and then i do or say something insensitive or hurtful or prideful or whatever and think yuck! uuuugggghhhhh where did that come from?! that's not me! that's not where i want to be! like i forget about Jesus' work in my heart and who i am becoming.
going to bed at 9:30 is hard, but so is not going to bed at 9:30.
the old testament is hard (beautiful and other things too, but i'm just acknowledging things that are hard right now, you know, in the spirit of christmas! ;)). ...leviticus chapter 27 is hard. what the heck am i supposed to do with leviticus chapter 27? i'm trying to have a heart posture of trying to understand and not make assumptions when i approach the old testament, but some of it is quite hard to swallow and i just don't know where to put it and i've heard that thinking God is the mean one from the old testament and Jesus is the nice one who came to kiss our booboos and save us from that mean God is the wrong way to think about God the Father, but you read leviticus and tell me you don't have some questions and He isn't a little scary and it doesn't seem like He values men more than women and that He doesn't think it's okay to have slaves... i've been struggling with this lately, guys.
also i just realized that much of what is hard for me lately is also very humbling. very who-do-you-think-you-are-alexi-speich... to assume who God is fits into what i think He is or should be... to have my biggest difficulties right now be having to go to bed early and whether or not to think about the tragedies that are some brothers' and sisters' reality. hmm. how bout that. how very good for me, that dose of humilty.
