i felt nervous to spend time with God tonight. i don't really know why, but i also do. when i told francis that i wanted to spend time with God but was kind of dragging my feet, he brought up my blog! he said he read some of it today for old time's sake and thought that maybe i'd like to blog again as a different way to connect with God (what a man! he knows me). so here i am in this space that's super familiar to me and now unfamiliar at the same time, blowing off the dust and settling in to a really cozy chair in my happy little house- christmas tree twinkling and fireplace dancing- to jot down some of the raw thoughts on my mind. i can't promise blogging again will stick or that i'll even update the "about" tab, but here we go anyway. back to what i had loved for so long... writing, sharing, processing, celebrating, pondering... and blogging :)
so maybe i'll start by circling back to why i felt a little nervous to spend time with God tonight. to just be super transparent with you, i think my life right now has a big lack in discipline. actually, i know it does. discipline in what or how much i eat, exercise, media consumption, Bible reading, prayer, shopping at target :/... kinda you name it, it's all a bit unruly. social justice issues and the heartbreak of the world around me have also caused me to feel pretty numb and honestly, discouraged, burnt out and tired. it feels like there's so much not right that i can't keep up, nor do i know how to start to help certain devastations i hear about, so i've just numbed out. all of this isn't great info about me, i know, i'm just being honest. i could give you excuses about all of this, and some of them anyone would say are valid, but the truth is, you make time for and prioritize what you actually care about. you just do. and what it looks like i care about is the cozy, the easy, the tasty, and the fun. so when you're a follower of Jesus and have basically told Him with your lifestyle that you care about these things above all else, it makes spending time with Him a little less likely and a little more uncomfortable. it is very difficult for me to not have any kind of discipline in areas i know God wants me to have discipline in and still spend time with Him, talk to Him, etc., like everything's fine. it feels hypocritical. feels like i'm choosing to ignore what He wants for me. feels like i'm giving God the scraps of my day or the leftovers of my heart when his rightful place is first in my day, first in my heart.
i also felt nervous because i've been second guessing who God is and what He is like. when your Bible-reading and prayer disciplines are not there the way you might like them to be, it is so very easy to start to forget who God is and what He is like and become informed about God, about the world, about yourself, your identity, from whatever you're taking in that isn't the Bible (social media *ahem*). i've had a case of that and questions have crept into my mind... is He really good? is God kind? what does He think about me? is He upset with me? how does He speak/how do i relate with Him? is He going to take everett or francis away from me to teach me a lesson or test me? it sometimes feels like i don't even know who God is, which then distrust can creep in. when you feel like you don't know someone, you can't rely on them to always act in a certain way. this feels like where i've been lately. and isn't this the way of the enemy? right from the very beginning, the first tactic the evil one used was to get adam and eve to second guess what He actually said (gen 3:1) and to bring about distrust in His goodness, motives, and character (gen 3:1-5). i know it, and yet here i am, just like the israelites in the new testament... forgetting, turning, wandering. i guess that's why God instructed them to remember His commands by "tying them as symbols on (their) hands and binding them on (their) foreheads" (deut 6:4-9). because we forget. i am no different from them. i am worshipping the calf like it delivered me even though i just saw God do it (exodus 32). i freaking need a list of what is true about God, about His character, to be tattooed to my forehead. basically (tl;dr version)... i feel like i don't even know who God is sometimes and that can make it feel difficult to know how to approach Him. i don't want God to fit into a box of who i think He should be, because then i become God, not Him, but i do want some version of that!
i know this is a slightly abrupt ending, but i'm tired. i'm so tired, you guys. and those are my thoughts right now. told you it was raw! i don't really have a nice neat bow on all of this. but you know, i think francis was right.. blogging is good for me and i'd like to come back. we'll see! thanks for reading.
so maybe i'll start by circling back to why i felt a little nervous to spend time with God tonight. to just be super transparent with you, i think my life right now has a big lack in discipline. actually, i know it does. discipline in what or how much i eat, exercise, media consumption, Bible reading, prayer, shopping at target :/... kinda you name it, it's all a bit unruly. social justice issues and the heartbreak of the world around me have also caused me to feel pretty numb and honestly, discouraged, burnt out and tired. it feels like there's so much not right that i can't keep up, nor do i know how to start to help certain devastations i hear about, so i've just numbed out. all of this isn't great info about me, i know, i'm just being honest. i could give you excuses about all of this, and some of them anyone would say are valid, but the truth is, you make time for and prioritize what you actually care about. you just do. and what it looks like i care about is the cozy, the easy, the tasty, and the fun. so when you're a follower of Jesus and have basically told Him with your lifestyle that you care about these things above all else, it makes spending time with Him a little less likely and a little more uncomfortable. it is very difficult for me to not have any kind of discipline in areas i know God wants me to have discipline in and still spend time with Him, talk to Him, etc., like everything's fine. it feels hypocritical. feels like i'm choosing to ignore what He wants for me. feels like i'm giving God the scraps of my day or the leftovers of my heart when his rightful place is first in my day, first in my heart.
i also felt nervous because i've been second guessing who God is and what He is like. when your Bible-reading and prayer disciplines are not there the way you might like them to be, it is so very easy to start to forget who God is and what He is like and become informed about God, about the world, about yourself, your identity, from whatever you're taking in that isn't the Bible (social media *ahem*). i've had a case of that and questions have crept into my mind... is He really good? is God kind? what does He think about me? is He upset with me? how does He speak/how do i relate with Him? is He going to take everett or francis away from me to teach me a lesson or test me? it sometimes feels like i don't even know who God is, which then distrust can creep in. when you feel like you don't know someone, you can't rely on them to always act in a certain way. this feels like where i've been lately. and isn't this the way of the enemy? right from the very beginning, the first tactic the evil one used was to get adam and eve to second guess what He actually said (gen 3:1) and to bring about distrust in His goodness, motives, and character (gen 3:1-5). i know it, and yet here i am, just like the israelites in the new testament... forgetting, turning, wandering. i guess that's why God instructed them to remember His commands by "tying them as symbols on (their) hands and binding them on (their) foreheads" (deut 6:4-9). because we forget. i am no different from them. i am worshipping the calf like it delivered me even though i just saw God do it (exodus 32). i freaking need a list of what is true about God, about His character, to be tattooed to my forehead. basically (tl;dr version)... i feel like i don't even know who God is sometimes and that can make it feel difficult to know how to approach Him. i don't want God to fit into a box of who i think He should be, because then i become God, not Him, but i do want some version of that!
i know this is a slightly abrupt ending, but i'm tired. i'm so tired, you guys. and those are my thoughts right now. told you it was raw! i don't really have a nice neat bow on all of this. but you know, i think francis was right.. blogging is good for me and i'd like to come back. we'll see! thanks for reading.
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